Alan's Story
早年
出生几分钟后，婴儿艾伦被放在我胸前的那一刻，就睁开眼睛寻找我。多么甜蜜，多么特别。这就是我从艾伦美丽、明亮、深邃的眼睛里看到的未来。我至今仍能清晰地看到它，就在此时此刻。
“艾伦，你太棒了！我们为你感到骄傲！”
“你们是我的父母，当然会这么说。”
我们经常和艾伦这样交流。事实上，艾伦确实很棒。
艾伦自由地选择了自己的道路，他选择富有同情心、诚实、勇敢、自律，并忠于家人和朋友。他温柔、独立、有天赋、富有诗意、音乐天赋、富有创造力，并且热爱运动。
艾伦三岁就学会了阅读，从那以后，他读遍了所有能找到的书。他通过阅读折纸书学会了折纸，并在我的生日那天制作了精美的折纸花和花瓶；通过阅读魔术书为全家人表演了大型魔术；通过阅读汽车使用手册设置了车库门的开启按钮。有一次，他告诉我他在一本书中读到的关于埃博拉病毒的内容。“它是世界上最可怕的疾病之一。”看到我惊讶的表情，他赶紧安慰我说：“别担心，这种疾病非常罕见。”直到几年后，我们才知道非洲会爆发埃博拉疫情。我们相信，凭借艾伦对阅读的热情，以及运用从书本上学到的知识的能力，他一定能找到摆脱任何困境的方法。
我们鼓励艾伦探索不同的兴趣，但不会强迫他坚持任何一项。他学得很快，兴趣广泛，比如小提琴、国际象棋、棒球、西班牙语、汉语、跆拳道、射箭、游泳、钢琴、功夫和其他武术、大提琴、网球和举重。有些课程他只上过很短的课，而有些课程他则投入了更多时间和精力。艾伦经常抱怨租来的那把大提琴出了问题，但我们听不出有什么问题。当他上完第一节大提琴私人课回家，告诉我们老师说他的一根琴弦有问题时，我们都很惊讶。上了两个月的大提琴私人课后，他在中学管弦乐队的座位测试中表现出色，甚至从最后一排升到了主位。他仍然担心：“我很多方面都擅长，但在任何方面都不是顶尖的。” 我们说：“没关系。你可以专注于任何一项，等你准备好了再发展更多技能。”
艾伦非常珍惜他的家人和朋友。“我弟弟是世界上最酷的孩子，每个人都应该认识他。”艾伦从不错过任何机会向朋友们推荐他的弟弟迈克尔。他非常爱他。艾伦喜欢拍下他和爸爸牵手或一起跳舞的照片。“你们俩在一起真可爱，”他曾经这么说过。他总是从小学节日礼品店给每个人带礼物回家。我对他的老师和朋友很了解，因为他经常和我分享他们的故事。他看到朋友们身上最好的一面，并确保他们知道这一点。他总是把朋友的需求放在自己之前。对艾伦来说，朋友也是他的家人。听着艾伦谈论他的朋友的方式，我觉得他们是世界上最棒的人。
艾伦童年最喜欢的游戏是打斗和Nerf胶枪大战。他曾经举办过一场Nerf胶枪大战派对，因为他成功地说服了我们这种派对绝对安全。他的小伙伴们来了，他们花了好几天的时间制作自制盾牌，带着“清晨醒来的兴奋”心情。欢声笑语如同Nerf胶枪子弹般自由飞扬。他还举办了一场水枪大战派对，玩得不亦乐乎。此外，艾伦和他的朋友们在我们凌乱的车库里度过了一段史诗般的欢乐时光，他们把那间车库称为“史诗般的游戏室”。
艾伦多次来找我们，征求我们的同意和签名，让他成为器官捐赠者。我清楚地记得他给我讲过一个故事，一位警官的父亲在警官因公殉职后，为了完成他的遗愿，捐献了自己的心脏。当艾伦描述这位父亲如何将头靠在接受捐赠者的胸口，聆听儿子的心跳时，我看到艾伦眼中闪烁着钦佩和感动。由于宗教信仰，我们对器官捐赠有所保留，并告诉艾伦不必急于表示同意。而且，等他长大后，他完全可以自己决定是否捐赠器官。
艾伦十五岁生日时不想要任何礼物。“我什么都有了。”他经常在谈到礼物时这么说。相反，他希望每个朋友都向他最喜欢的慈善机构捐赠十美元。他做了一些独立调查，发现“慈善：水”是最好的慈善机构之一。艾伦对清洁饮用水如何拯救生命充满热情。艾伦的“生日水”活动得到了家人和朋友的热烈响应，筹集了超过两千美元！那是艾伦与我们共同度过的日子——愉快、平静、充满活力、爱、欢笑和希望。没有理由相信生活不会继续这样下去。
中年
2016年6月，艾伦第一次来找我寻求帮助，感觉就像是上辈子的事了。他感觉自己有点不对劲。“可能是抑郁症、强迫症、阿斯伯格综合症，或者其他什么，”艾伦说。显然，他像往常一样，对任何困扰他的事情都做了独立研究。比如，五岁的艾伦有一次在家扭伤了手腕，模仿他之前在纽约看到的霹雳舞动作。他拒绝了我们匆忙的求助，而是翻出他的急救书，找到了治疗建议。直到那时，他才请求我们帮助治疗他的手腕。
我没觉得十四岁的艾伦有什么不对劲。事实上，在他年轻的世界里，一切都特别顺利。他一天比一天高，也越来越帅。他通过了试镜，继续在一个前途光明的青年管弦乐队里担任才华横溢的大提琴手，准备参加第二季的演出。他还参加了选拔，入选了校级竞技游泳队。他的学习成绩一直很优异。与此同时，曾经内向的艾伦告诉我，他不再害羞了。他开始结交一大群朋友。安静而善于观察的艾伦并不缺少朋友，但他的社交圈以前从未如此庞大。虽然艾伦的话让我感到惊讶，但我相信他对自己的洞察力。尽管如此，我还是立刻带他去看儿科医生。
艾伦从未患过任何严重的疾病或受伤。他十四岁之前唯一一次去急诊室是大脚趾皮肤撕裂。医生用无菌生理盐水冲洗伤口，并进行了局部麻醉以缓解疼痛，还拍了X光片，排除了骨折的可能性。缝合伤口缝了两针。艾伦带着一只特制的鞋回家，用来稳定脚趾，还被告知如何保持伤口干燥清洁。医生预测他的伤口将在大约四周内愈合。他还和朋友们分享了一段激动人心的经历。伤口如预期般愈合，没有出现并发症。
Healing treatments begin
我们以为艾伦的精神疾病会像脚趾伤一样得到治疗和痊愈。我们当时并不知道， 精神疾病与我们经历过的其他疾病截然不同。很快我们就发现，精神卫生保健系统完全是另一个世界。验血排除了可能导致艾伦疼痛的身体疾病后，并没有像验血、X光或核磁共振成像这样的客观检测手段来诊断他的精神疾病。他的心理医生和精神科医生依靠他自述的症状来诊断和治疗。药物的处方也只是反复试验。我们当时没有得到任何预后信息。
Alan started treatment with an experienced psychologist who was also a university professor in August 2016. Alan worked hard with his therapist, who did his best to help. After a few sessions, the psychologist said Alan was in great pain and needed to see a psychiatrist. At first, we hesitated to put Alan on medication, worrying about their side effects on his developing brain. As Alan’s symptoms worsened, our focus shifted to finding one medication or a combination of medications to give Alan relief from his struggles.
Alan sought his counselor’s help whenever he did not feel well at school. He saw his psychologist four or five times a week at peak times. He continued to work extremely hard with the therapist, who did his best to help. He saw his psychiatrist almost every other week and took his medication on time. In four months, he tried seven different medications with no reprieve from his disorders. Darkness descended too quickly. Something we could not grasp changed Alan’s brain in a way that sent him into a state of extreme self-loathing and horrifyingly intrusive thoughts that tortured him 24/7. Though he continued to work hard with counseling and treatments, Alan’s symptoms kept worsening. He quit the swim team and youth orchestra in September. He developed a self-destructive ideology and self-harming behavior for the first time in October. This behavior frightened us, but it frightened Alan even more. In December, Alan was hospitalized for posing a danger to himself. He was hospitalized again in February 2017. Alan was traumatized by those experiences and was failing 9th grade. Frustrated by the lack of improvement in his treatment, Alan stopped taking his medications and refused to see his psychiatrist and psychologist.
我们把他转到了另一位精神科医生那里，这位医生建议艾伦进行心理测试，并根据测试结果开了药。药物对艾伦有所帮助，但之后他的病情就停滞不前了。当艾伦开始接受一位新的心理医生治疗时，他开始对心理治疗产生怀疑。他利用最初的几次治疗来挑战他的治疗师。这位心理医生凭借高超的技巧、耐心和细心，逐渐赢得了艾伦的信任，治疗也慢慢地让艾伦的病情有所缓解。然而，还没等我们松一口气，艾伦就在初夏停药了。他声称不想让药物改变他的性格。2017年整个夏天，他的心理医生才说服他重新开始服药。艾伦上十年级的时候，在学校仍然无法正常生活。他要求更多的治疗方案，我们把他送到了强化治疗中心，这显然起了作用。艾伦回家后，我们开始与他的心理医生进行家庭治疗，解开了一些旧结。我们找到了一位辩证行为疗法 (DBT) 治疗师，他对艾伦的治疗效果很好。我们为艾伦报名了一所私立高中，该校提供一对一教学和非常灵活的时间安排，以减轻他的学业压力。艾伦对他的心理医生很满意。“我信任我的心理医生。他知道自己在做什么。每次我去他的办公室，我都会告诉他我脑子里发生的一切，他会指出我的模型出了什么问题。我非常努力，以至于离开办公室时我的大脑一片空白。我一句话也记不住。”艾伦在 2017 年 12 月还说过：“我的精神科医生是我的治疗师。他为我找到了正确的药物组合。我想成为一名精神科医生，也想成为别人的治疗师。我还将彻底改变精神病住院护理系统。”我们认为他正在康复的轨道上。
砰！2018年1月7日，我们挚爱的艾伦因精神障碍自杀身亡，这颗炸弹意外爆炸，粉碎了我们的世界。他年仅十五岁。
Alan's friends express their feelings.
– by Jazmine
"Alan was in my life for a short time, but it was truly the most important time of my adolescence. He taught me patience and virtue and love and kindness; daily he would display these traits that I needed to see and be around. I believe God lead me to meet Alan because he was an angel so to speak. He was there to teach others many things that he was well versed in beyond his years. Not physical things, but traits of the mind, body, and soul all together that I would otherwise never learn. I miss him dearly and daily, but I know he is with me in the way he shaped me as a person and the way he has taught me to lead my life. I hope his legacy is passed on and cherished by not only myself but those who hear his story as well."
– by Alan's friend
"There’s no way to even start explaining the person that was Alan Hu. From the short time I knew him, it was clear that he was amazing. And this isn’t even me being flattering—it’s the honest truth. Ask any of the many friends he has and I believe they would all give him the highest praises any one person could receive. For although he had his depression, he was still the most caring and thoughtful person that I had ever met. Because he had depression, he understood the pain people go through and helped each and every one of us through our own. In this regard, I believe it would be accurate to say that he was the key that freed us from our own cages.
Alan was a genius—and we all knew it. There were times when another friend of ours told me that if Alan didn’t have depression, he would have been the most accomplished person out of all of us. Even so, he was still plenty ambitious. He claimed he would be a millionaire by the age of 25, and I believed him. He had his grand life plans, all of them lofty, yet believable, because it was him. Never had or have I since come across another person who just gave off such a sense of security and determination.
Besides, he was the one composing masterpieces of poems and playing mind-chess with a friend for days on end. His cello-playing wrung the feelings of anyone who cared to listen. And most of all, he was the essence of confidence.
For me personally, Alan was something precious. From sharing songs and dreams to eventually developing into something more, it seemed like he was always there right next to me. And although it didn’t last, he still gave me so, so much, and I will forever be grateful.
So thank you for having been born, for being strong enough to get to where you did, for having played such a stable and secure role in our lives. Thank you for having such unwavering confidence in the face of despair, for believing in me, for deciding in that one moment that you finally found something to live for, even if it was short-lived.
In turn, I hope we were able to be, at least for a while, those stars in your sky, attempting to brighten the night even if you didn’t have your moon. I really miss you, and forever will."
– by Alicea
“The skies are painted with unnumbered sparks;
They are all fire, and every one doth shine;
But there’s but one in all doth hold his place”
– Shakespeare, from Julius Caesar
“Alan was a shining star from the very beginning. He was a bright kid, and he made sure everyone knew it. Despite being 13, he spoke like an intellectual, using unusually complex vocabulary in his daily speech. Because of his curious mind, he always found himself bored in school, unsatisfied with the dull classes we were forced to take. His insatiable hunger for knowledge prompted him to reach for books, soaking in everything he came across like a sponge. He burned bright, fueled by his love for learning and his infinite amount of curiosity.
When I look up at the sky, I see the stunning constellations and I am reminded of the pictures he painted with his words. He painted a masterpiece, a picture of unbelievable beauty of his soul. Every word raw with emotion, carefully strung together in the way God would have strung the stars in the sky so long ago to create the constellations that leave us in awe.
When he was happy, his eyes would twinkle like the stars. He would hug his beloved bear Dada and dance around the room with a huge grin spread across his face. There was always a spark of mischief in his eyes, an unstoppable light that glimmered in his obsidian eyes. He had the light-heartedness of a child, yet he had the profound wisdom of one who had many stories to tell.
Alan Hu, the North Star of our night sky. He was always there for those he loved, someone who silently shone his light in our times of darkness. He was constant, reliable. Whenever my mind was overwhelmed with thoughts that drowned me in confusion and chaos, he was my anchor. We’d sit together and look toward the heavens above, quietly soaking in the peace of the sky as the tumultuous world continued on.
As he continued to burn through the night, a darkness threatened to extinguish his flames. His “demons” caused him to feel unfathomable pain, yet this pain was invisible. He had an undetectable illness, one that showed no physical symptoms like a cancer would. It was scary seeing him in so much pain, frustrating that I couldn’t do anything. And no one in the world knew how to cure him.
He was a fighter. He made sure he was in the best physical shape in order to battle his mental illnesses that plagued him. By sophomore year he was able to deadlift 300 lbs. Alan told me of how he spoke with many psychologists and psychiatrists and considered countless treatment options that included different combinations of medication. And no one was sure that it would work.
There were ups and downs. He had relapses and was hospitalized for some time, and he was increasingly missing school. However, there was a glimpse of hope when Alan started on new medication that seemed to put him on the road to recovery.
January of 2018, Alan joined the stars in the heavens above. Just like that, he was no longer by my side. The boy who was like my brother, my best friend. Gone. I would never see his sparkling smile again, hear his voice dripping with sarcasm. I’d never read another one of his poems or go on photo adventures with him.
Even on a cloudy night when not a spark can be seen in the sky, we know our star is there, shining more brightly than ever, never moving from our hearts. In the darkness of grief, I found him within all of us, the light he ignited inside of us. His story–his legacy–continues to burn on.
Unfortunately, there is an increasing number of people being diagnosed with mental illnesses, and despite technological advances, mental illness remains an unexplored world. Lack of awareness and research leaves us without a known cure. Countless people are affected by mental illnesses; about 40 million adults in the United States are affected by an anxiety disorder, about 16.1 million are affected with Major Depressive Disorder. In addition, family and friends of those diagnosed with mental illnesses are impacted. However, we live in a society where mental health is disregarded, preventing those who need treatment from seeking professional help.
Despite his demons, Alan wanted to help others. He wanted to make sure no one would have to suffer the way he did, live through the agonizing hell he did. He dreamed of being a psychiatrist who would dedicate his life helping those who lived in the darkness of mental illness.
It’s time for change. It’s time to end the stigmatization of mental illness and make mental health a priority. It’s time to devote research and money to battle these diseases; it’s time to show compassion and change our community through love and support. Let us be shining stars for each other, glimpses of hope in our world."
– by Alan's Friend
The Battle
It was January 29th and I was on my way to church
I called you when I realized what you were planning
I told you that you were loved and things would get better
I told you that people cared and there were other ways to ease the pain.
You said that your life didn’t matter
You didn’t think losing you would have an impact on so many
I stayed on the phone with you until I heard the policeman’s voice.
About a week later you texted me
“Thanks for saving my life.
A lot of people are responsible for me being alive right now—
You’re one of them.”
The next time you didn’t call
You had asked to hang out a few days before
But I was busy.
January 7th, 10:45ish
I was sitting at the dining table doing homework
I heard my mom’s footsteps coming down the hall
“Anna, look.”
It took me a few seconds to process what I was reading
“Alan passed away in the hospital”
“No, no, no, no, no!”
I collapsed into my mother’s arms
All I could do for the next two hours was shake and cry
I had to deliver the bad news to our friends.
I was in the school gym
Waiting for the rally to start
Thousands of kids packed the bleachers
Chatter and laughter surrounded me.
Suddenly I saw your serious face
And then you disappeared into the crowd
I spent fifteen seconds looking for you.
Afterwards, I realized it was impossible
My heart dropped
And it felt like I lost you all over again.
Many times after you left us
I would walk into a classroom
And see something that reminded me of you
A backpack that looked just like yours
Blue with grey trim
And I’d think, “Oh, Alan’s here”
But then the disappointment would hit me
And I would remember.
After the funeral
we were all sitting there on one long pew
Staring at your casket
And your father came with one of the many bouquets of flowers.
He handed us each a few
Crocosmias, daylilies, and red roses.
We each went up to say goodbye
I walked up to your casket and stared
The lively, intelligent, teddy bear loving boy I once knew was there
I whispered “Goodbye Alan” and placed a kiss on the casket.
A month later, my mom and I pulled up in front of your house
Last time I was there, you had invited me to pick plums
And I had sat in your room where you showed me your newest photographs
And I found your teddy bear and stuffed carrot.
This time I walked into your house and you weren’t there
I sat on the couch while my mom held your mom and I comforted your dad
We were helpless to their tears.
Before we left I asked to see your room
And your parents kept it exactly the same as the day they took you to the hospital
The blankets were a mess
But the closet was spotless
The carrot you loved so much sat alone on your bed.
I fought my hardest not to let your parents see me cry
And as soon as the car door closed, I sobbed.
Looking back I knew you felt alone
You felt like no one understood you
We had issues going on but not as difficult as yours
We watched you struggle to live and to fight your demons.
We bounced back in forth
Feeling hopeful, then hopeless
Excited, then afraid
Relieved, then saddened.
When you took your life
You took some of ours too
Because your illness hurt you
and everyone who loved and cared about you.
Your battle made us all realize the realness of mental illness.
It’s a disease like cancer or heart disease or diabetes
It has to be taken seriously and treated
And even then, there are no guarantees.
We have friends in our lives for a reason
We’re meant to support each other and build each other up
Talking about our issues isn’t being a burden, it’s being human.
Alan, you taught us that we have to be okay with not always being okay
And that if we’re going through something, it’s important to get help
because life is valuable.
– by Alan's Friend
A brother, and a little more.
That’s who Alan was to me.
"One of the most inspiring, genuine, strongest people I’d ever known came into my life slowly and unexpectedly. He was brilliant and unpredictable; I admired him for his powerful confidence and extensive wisdom, but also for his bluntness and his poetic way with words. I’d never met someone so complicated and intricate as him. As I grew to know him better, I was convinced he would change the world to be better, be it through helping rescue dogs or helping others with their mental illnesses, because he didn’t want anyone to go through what he was going through every day. But even though he can no longer continue that dream himself, it still lives on through me, as do his memories."
– by Alan's Mom
Alan was surrounded by doting parents, his brother and grandparents, supportive teachers, and friends, but his mental diseases still made him feel extremely lonely. Many people with different religions had been praying for Alan’s recovery.
When Alan was in great mental pain, he said, “I’d rather have cancer. It feels like being in a dark room with no windows and no doors, with fire burning underneath my feet. That is two percent of the pain of depression that I can describe in words. It was like an evil twin lived inside me; he knows me the best, and there is no way to get away from him. Whatever I value the most, he finds the best way to attack. Whenever I have a good plan to fight back, he has better strategies to counteract. Depression, OCD and Borderline Personality Disorder come in waves. If one of them attacks, I can fend for myself. But if three of them attack at the same time, I am overwhelmed." His pain was real and unbearable, yet it was invisible. There was no thermometer to show a fever, no imaging to show a lump inside, and no blood test to show elevated white blood cell counts. Alan once said, “My eyes have terrible floaters and I used to be annoyed by them. I learned to ignore them and focus on what I want to see instead, and they cease to bother me. I will learn to do the same thing to my OCD intrusive thoughts.” Alan had a strong will, but he could not will away his symptoms any more than one could will away their fever. (Move these sentences to this paragraph.)
Mental disorders are real diseases that disable millions of people and even take thousands of lives. They should be recognized and treated equally as physical diseases since mental disorders are also physical disorders of the brain. What causes the brain to send out extremely negative and self-destructive self-destructive thoughts to the person? Better diagnostic methods are needed to analyze the brain to discover the causes of symptoms of mental disorders. More fundamental research is needed to look for cures for such diseases. Mental disorders are far from rare, but talking about them is rare. They frighten people because there is too little understanding of them. People have overcome many other diseases because knowledgeable health care providers and appropriate treatments were available. The same thing will happen with respect to mental diseases when people start talking about them, paying attention to them, and gaining a better understanding of them.
When Alan was in the intensive treatment center, he concluded his letter to his high school physical education (P.E.) teacher with this line, “Depression is terrible, OCD is worse, but I’m tough.” Alan was tough, but he could not tough out his mental disorders any more than one could tough out their fatal infection without the proper antibiotic.
At Alan’s funeral, his P.E. teacher said, “Alan was tough. Even someone as tough as Alan got beaten by depression. Something needs to be done about it.”
The Alan Hu Foundation is dedicated to helping to bring better days to people who suffer with mental disorders.